


This Hole I Can't Fill

by PanicAtTheEverywhere (DapperMuffin)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically, Crying, Depression, Gen, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Logan swears, Mental Health Issues, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Sort Of, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, but it's minor, it doesn't mention depression but this is a vent fic, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 01:08:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19121506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DapperMuffin/pseuds/PanicAtTheEverywhere
Summary: Instead he pretended. He knew they wouldn't accept him so unconditionally if they knew how he really was, deep down inside.Pretended that, for the longest time, everything was alright. That Patton was alright, when that often couldn't be farther from the truth. He didn't want them to worry, so he lied.





	This Hole I Can't Fill

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno. Depression's been fucking with my head these days, so I pour all of my own angst onto Patton and write hurt/comfort fics because I don't have friends who'd give me big dramatic speeches about how much they care.

Patton had always found smiles to be the most effective way to lie. After all, he'd been using that method for years and the other sides suspected nothing. Roman was always hopping from one idea to the next, whatever struck his fancy, which tended to keep him busy. Virgil had a lot of work to do as Thomas' Anxiety, so he rarely got a break as it was. And Logan spent most of the time whenever emotions were brought up in a conversation to remind them all that he possessed none, so it wasn't surprising that he hadn't cottoned on, despite his intelligence and attention to detail.

 

Meanwhile, Patton did whatever he could to try to fill the aching hole in his chest, but to no avail. Nothing worked; if anything, it just hollowed him out a little bit more.

 

After all these years, Patton was almost as accomplished an actor as Roman. He'd hid his true feelings for so long that the false smile he employed to aid him seemed so easy, so simple to slip behind. The mask almost felt natural.

 

This sensation of deep longing he felt only grew as days and weeks and months and years passed, and slowly chipped away at his resolve. Patton was strong, he  _ had _ to be, to hide it for so long, but even the strongest stones break if you chip away enough.

 

_ What _ was Patton longing for? He wasn't entirely sure, if he was being honest, but he suspected it was a longing for belonging, if you'll excuse his wordplay.

 

He was supposed to be the happy side, the one who always saw the glass half-full, the one who was endlessly optimistic. More often than not, however, that just wasn't how he felt. He  _ had _ to be the happy one, though, because if he wasn't, who  _ was? _ He didn't want to drag Thomas or the others down like that, so instead he pretended. He knew they wouldn't accept him so unconditionally if they knew how he really was, deep down inside.

 

Pretended that, for the longest time, everything was alright. That  _ Patton _ was alright, when that often couldn't  be farther from the truth. He didn't want them to worry, so he lied.

 

He didn't know what had happened this time. What had started out as a nice idea for a video had turned into an all-out screaming match for all of the participants except Patton and Thomas himself. Patton shrank back, away from the shouting and away from the anger, wrapping his arms tightly around himself in an effort to protect himself. His vision tunneled, and his breathing, his  _ breathing, _ Patton couldn't breathe. He'd long since given up trying to break up the argument, and in fact, he didn't even know what they were arguing about anymore. He couldn't make out just a single voice among all of the yelling.

 

Unnoticed by him, a single tear had rolled down Patton's cheek, and someone had stopped arguing long enough to see. Roman was astonished that Patton was crying, and immediately jumped in between Virgil and Deceit, who'd been threatening to cause bodily harm to one another since the beginning of this debacle of a recording session. Logan, following his gaze to Patton, saw what he was trying to do and restrained Virgil, while Roman wrapped his arms around Deceit in an attempt to get them to stop and to listen.

 

Eventually the two sides calmed, and Patton found it easier to breathe again, but once one tear escaped—once one crack formed in the dam—the whole thing came crashing down, and Patton's tears began to flood out in buckets and he fell to the floor.

 

Roman, biting his lip, took a tentative step closer to him. "Patton?" he asked, voice soft. "I'm sorry for all that, if- if that's what upset you."

 

Patton sniffled, trying to hold in his sobs long enough to speak. "No, no, R-Roman, that's not all it is, b-but thanks." He wiped frantically at his eyes with the sleeves of his cat hoodie, trying desperately to stop the tears.

 

"Do you… wanna talk about it?" Virgil slid down the wall to sit next to Patton a respectful distance of a foot or two away to give him some space.

 

"I just…" Patton smiled sadly. "I don't know, I'm just rarely  _ happy _ anymore, and I'm supposed to be happy, I'm your happy pappy Patton, but something's wrong. I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend. I've been lying for too long."

 

"What do you mean, something's wrong?" inquired Logan, a slight edge in his voice that typically characterized worry in the logical side.

 

"I feel broken, like my emotions aren't working right." Patton played with the strings of his hoodie as an excuse to avoid looking at the other sides. "I feel sad for no reason, all the time, and I can't understand why." His voice shook. "I just want to get better. I don't want to be damaged forever. It's like a piece of me is gone, it's missing."

 

The others were at a loss. What does one say after such a confession? Logan looked thoughtful. Deceit's eyes were wide, and Thomas' mouth hung open.

 

"I knew if I told you guys how I was  _ really _ feeling, you wouldn't accept me anymore," Patton chuckled dryly. "They say you don't know what you're missing, but I know that I  _ do _ know, that it only makes me want it even more."

 

"Bullshit!" someone yelled, and Patton jumped, startled. It wasn't Roman yelling, or even Deceit, but Logan.

 

His usually stoic face was flushed, and his fists were clenched. He gazed at Patton, and the look in his gray eyes was uncharacteristically emotional.

 

"You don't really believe that," he uttered disbelievingly. Patton just looked at him, confused. "You don't believe that we wouldn't accept you, because that's bullshit. And I know, language and all that, but I'm fairly certain Roman over there said worse today." He knelt in front of Patton, taking the moral side's hands in his own. "I know I'm not the one to make emotionally charged speeches, but no one else looked as though they were going to say something.

 

"You can't believe that we wouldn't accept you," he continued, "because… you accepted all of us, flaws and all. You accepted me, despite my stubborn nature and typical lack of emotions."

 

"You accepted me," piped up Virgil. "Even when the others didn't. You were the only one who tried to be nice to me right away."

 

"And me." Roman smiled, although it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I know I'm hard to deal with. Loud and impulsive and stubborn too. But you showed me it was okay to not have to be strong all the time, and there'll be times when I can't be string, but you guys will be there for me."

 

That hit Patton close to home. The tears had slowed in their descent down his face, and Logan squeezed his hands gently.

 

Deceit, who hadn't spoken a word since the argument had stopped, suddenly spoke. "I'm the literal embodiment of Deceit. Once we got past our differences, you accepted me into your little famILY with open arms, and that meant a lot."

 

Patton sniffled again, filled with appreciation for his friends. It didn't quite fill the hole in his chest, but it did help the emptiness shrink. He wiped away more of the lingering tear tracks left behind once he'd stopped crying, and  _ smiled _ , the first  _ real _ smile he'd felt in months. His fears were greatly lessened, and the other sides were all relieved at the genuine smile on Patton's face.

 

"I love you guys!" Patton threw his arms around Logan, simply because the man happened to be within reach, and Logan stiffened for a brief moment before returning the hug, smiling the happiest smile they'd seen from Logan.

 

Virgil chuckled at Patton's enthusiasm, mostly just happy that their friend was okay.

 

"You're not broken," said someone else, and Patton glanced over to Thomas. "Not permanently, at least. And I can't promise that we'll be able to help whenever you need it, but I can promise that we'll do our best to help in whatever ways we can. We'll help you along until you can heal, and even then we'll stay with you."

 

And Patton was the happiest he'd been in months, surrounded by his friends, no, his famILY, who loved him despite all of his flaws—and he loved them, with all of his heart.


End file.
